I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
