Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
