Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
