So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
