I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
