Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
