so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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