Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
