she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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