Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
