HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
