OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
