So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
