You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
