Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
