I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
