Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
