good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
