ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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