Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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