You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
