if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
