There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
