I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
