Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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