I look better un-naked...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
