Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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