dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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