sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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