Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
