Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
