i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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