it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
