I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
