12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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