I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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