you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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