i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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