Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
