thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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