I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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