Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
