My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
