There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize