At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
