Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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