Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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