You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize