when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
