my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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