I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
