You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
