He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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