Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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