How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
