my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
