I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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