Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
