How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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