finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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