I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
