my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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