Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
