She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
