dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
you made out with another girl for some wings
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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