ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
